me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
You Might Also Like
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
“you recording!?”
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages