My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
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I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.