Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
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[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040