If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
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I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.