[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
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4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
seems like a niche market
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.