Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
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her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it