Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
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I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
I ate everything, including the H.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up