This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
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*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Very good news from my accountant
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!