tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
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So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.