“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
You Might Also Like
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
(more comics:
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
In banana years, I am bread.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.