If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
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I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!