I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
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Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
But wait…
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.