The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
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Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
😏😏😏
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?