I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
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don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day