For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
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ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
I wish I could veto my bills.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”