My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
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There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
so weird how every mom was born today
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]