*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
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computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?