You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
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imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Reporter: *ports again*
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane