me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
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I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
I wish I were this cool 😂
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.