So many village idiots. So few dragons.
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My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
they really do be looking like this
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?