noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
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Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.