WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
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When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Overindulged this afternoon.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
This guy gets it.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job