“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
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Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Ape together strong
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶