Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
You Might Also Like
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.