My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
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I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
“What movie?” 🤔
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
How animals would run if they were human
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.