if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
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I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
crying
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
This is me
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*