all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
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Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.