[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
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So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.