Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
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My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist