Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
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Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that