If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
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Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
brian had himself a morning…
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.