Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
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It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.