[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
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“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean