There’s never enough good news
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When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.