I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
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[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!