A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
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my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
just pretend nothing happened
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Hard not to take this personally
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.