“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
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banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
The French word for sex is croissant.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..