If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
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Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
May have had one breakfast too many
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.