2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
You Might Also Like
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds