(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
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Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.