That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
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I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Single and childfree like Jesus
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub