My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
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Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Hamburger Hinderer.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…