date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
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Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”