Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
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[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
man i love columbo
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
inside you are two wolves
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that