[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
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i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.