Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
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You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.