me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
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At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings