What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
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[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
me adding lol on a serious message
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.