You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
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“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
#growingpains
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.