I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
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Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Now this is how you LinkedIn
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.